Saturday, July 19, 2008

The Great Slave Scam Part III

Well do I remember the fateful night I bade Dr Fell steal the Newari Eye from Dundee's McManus Museum. It was a Tuesday.

Well did I know it was highly unlikely to succeed: after all, Dr Fell was an irreemable buffoon of the first order and could not be relied upon to open a carton of French onion soup unsupervised, let alone purloin one of the world's most famous and heavily guarded jewels.

Well did I decide I did not much care either way, because if the plan failed, all that would happen would be that Fell would take the rap and face the wrath of the Scottish justice system. Thus the scheme was, for me, completely risk-free and so I treated the whole affair in as laidback and carefree a manner as that of Nigel Havers reclining on a beach lounger instructing his waiting staff to fetch yet another pitcher of gin and tonic.

"Dr Fell, you cretinous boob," I said to the cretinous boob Dr Fell on the night that I wished him to go to the McManus Museum and steal the famed Newari Eye, "Listen well. Tonight you are to go to the McManus Museum and steal the famed Newari Eye."

"Sure thing boss," he replied.

"You must break in through the skylight in the Museum roof and lower yourself into the upper gallery," I ordered, "Then run down to the Jewel room. Smash the display case and grab the jewel. You will likely hear a loud alarm at this point. Do not worry about it. Simply run back to the upper gallery and let yourself out through the roof once more. You are not to hurt anyone, is that understood?"

"Sure thing boss," he re-replied. Well, I did not wish to have murder on my conscious for what was simply a bit of a lark.

"Above all," I said. "You must not return here until you are sure the coast is clear. I do not want you leading the feds to my door!" I used the word 'feds' because I felt that it made me sound knowledgeable and seasoned regarding jewel heists.

"Sure thing boss," he repeated, grinning vacantly.

I opened the door and pushed him out. I sat back to watch Ten Years Younger and to await Fell's return...

(You should be used to the ellipsis by now, so I will refrain from explaining its presence)


Anonymous said...

This ellipsis thingy is really working wonders for your storytelling, and I for one have certainly been influenced by your use of it. Never again will I end a piece of writing with a full stop...


Dear Seresecros,

Many thanks for your kind words regarding my punctuation. I am glad it has had the desired effect and am delighted to see you trying out the ellipsis for yourself...

(You will see that I have used ellipsis at the end of the previous sentence. This was me experimenting with whimsy as it is merely a humorous reference to the very thing you were congratulating me on and actually has no business being at the end of such a sentence. So, although my punctuation use was not technically correct, I allowed it as I thought it might raise a smile. I hope it does not backfire.)

Horton Carew

Anonymous said...

Impeccable! Have you ever given thought to becoming a tutor of English, once you've finished tormenting that blasted Fell chap?