Wednesday, July 12, 2006

March of the Ants

I have found myself plagued by ants today and am at a loss as to what I might do. Though I am fiercely independent and can solve most problems on my own, I must admit a crippling phobia of ants that renders me unable to react rationally to my current infestation. Who among my readership can suggest a solution? Perhaps Graham Souness, whom I assume is a regular visitor?

When I awoke, I observed a line of these tireless, hateful creatures marching upon my pillow towards my face. My horror held me vice-like. They advanced single-file onto my cheek, and headed determinedly towards my ear. One, apparently exhausted after his hike from the bedroom floor, stopped to sup at my eye-juices in order to refresh himself. A larger ant, evidently a General of sorts, immediately approached and disciplined the tired ant for his unsanctioned break by biting off his head. I am repulsed to report that the punished ant's headless carcass toppled into my right eye, where it twitched and flailed against my pupil, leading to a brief production of overmany tears.

I became aware that the ants were proceeding towards my ear, performing some unseen activity, then returning in a separate string of ants down the other side of my face. Forcing myself to be brave, I flung myself out of bed and at once realised they had been stealing my earwax. Many hundreds of ants could then be seen scurrying away into a hole in my wall, each of them clutching a small nugget of precious wax.

Earwax is the human body's method of cleaning and lubricating the ear canal, protecting it from bacteria and fungus - without it, I will be vulnerable to many airbourne toxins. I fear this may be what the ants seek to achieve. Why, I do not yet know. My natural terror prevents me from confronting them, yet I must not allow this thievery to continue. What am I to do?


Dr Anthony Gland said...

Horton! Great to see you posting regularly again! We have been worried about you down at the surgery.

For your ant problem, I think you ought to buy some ant spray. You just spray it into the ants' hole and it quickly kills them off. Really straightforward!

The ants have no ulterior motive, Horton. I do not believe they were after your earwax. If you think about it logically, they would have no reason to take earwax from you. They probably detected a crumb of food and were drawn to that. You just got in their way!

On to more serious matters: as you know, it was a condition of your bail that you see me regularly to discuss any problems you might be having. You have not been attending and I have had to send my people out to you on several occassions. I remind you once again that you must attend, or you may find yourself in trouble again!

All the best with the ants Horton!

Dr Anthony Gland

Horton Carew said...

Dr Gland,

I confess to being reluctant to slay the ants, as I may decide to take up Buddhism at some point in the future, and the murder of ants will ruin my chances of getting in.

Alternatively, I might decide to take up Hindooism in the future, and should I die a Hindoo, I will be punished for my ant-killing by being reincarnated as an ant. I may even find myself reincarnated as one of the ants that currently plagues me. Thus if I killed it I would be killing myself, and suicide is frowned upon in Catholicism, which I might also take up in the future.

In reply to your query about my attending your meetings, I am afraid I quite forgot. Apologies. Please remind in advance of next week's meeting as I find myself habitually distracted and liable to overlook prior arrangements.