I have found myself plagued by ants today and am at a loss as to what I might do. Though I am fiercely independent and can solve most problems on my own, I must admit a crippling phobia of ants that renders me unable to react rationally to my current infestation. Who among my readership can suggest a solution? Perhaps Graham Souness, whom I assume is a regular visitor?
When I awoke, I observed a line of these tireless, hateful creatures marching upon my pillow towards my face. My horror held me vice-like. They advanced single-file onto my cheek, and headed determinedly towards my ear. One, apparently exhausted after his hike from the bedroom floor, stopped to sup at my eye-juices in order to refresh himself. A larger ant, evidently a General of sorts, immediately approached and disciplined the tired ant for his unsanctioned break by biting off his head. I am repulsed to report that the punished ant's headless carcass toppled into my right eye, where it twitched and flailed against my pupil, leading to a brief production of overmany tears.
I became aware that the ants were proceeding towards my ear, performing some unseen activity, then returning in a separate string of ants down the other side of my face. Forcing myself to be brave, I flung myself out of bed and at once realised they had been stealing my earwax. Many hundreds of ants could then be seen scurrying away into a hole in my wall, each of them clutching a small nugget of precious wax.
Earwax is the human body's method of cleaning and lubricating the ear canal, protecting it from bacteria and fungus - without it, I will be vulnerable to many airbourne toxins. I fear this may be what the ants seek to achieve. Why, I do not yet know. My natural terror prevents me from confronting them, yet I must not allow this thievery to continue. What am I to do?