Readers, I have felt for some time now that I have not been living well. With all my numerous adventures, I have neglected my health. I have eaten and drunk very badly over the last few weeks, often going several days without any cochineal or fruit. My rooms are in dire need of repair and my body feels similarly tired and spent.
I consulted the programme How Clean is Your House? wherein a matronly sow and a spinster revealed how one might clean a fetid house using only vinegar, lemon juice, and bicarbonate of soda. Next I consulted the programme You Are What You Eat in which Dr. Gillian McKeith, the glamourous Perthshire sauce pot, berated a guarantuan hulk for eating too many doughnuts and chips and told him to change his ways by drinking dandelion root tea and eating hollowed out bell peppers with pureed chick peas.
Oh readers, in a terrible misunderstanding reminiscent of the Mr. Twiddle stories by Enid Blyton, I got my wires crossed and ate gallons of vinegar, lemon juice, and bicarbonate of soda all day, while I tried to clean my windows and hob with pureed chick peas in a hollowed-out bell pepper.
Boy, I sure did feel foolish as I copiously vomitted! I have written to various magazines with this humorous anecdote and I hope one of them will give me five pounds.