Monday, April 24, 2006

A Priest

This morning I received a visit from a man dressed as a priest, who introduced himself as Father Bouffant. From this scant information, I deduced the man was a priest.

He claimed that he had been sent by Professor Jessica Flitey of the University of Duncairn to aid in her ongoing parapsychological investigations of my home. Of all the priests in Scotland, Father Bouffant has performed the highest number of exorcisms, and claims to not only have vanquished over three hundred demons from the bodies of the possessed, but also to have converted fourteen of them, via logical argument and espousing the tenets of the Catholic church, into honest Christians. One of those, he claims, now works for the gas board in Chertsey, and was recently promoted.

He invited himself in and talked at me for some time. He then wandered around my home waving a crucifix and rosary beads before concluding that my home is positively saturated with demonic entities, and that I myself am possessed by five demons.

He left a large brown paper bag filled with mints upon my coffee table, told me to suck one every 108 minutes, and declared that he would be back tomorrow fully prepared to perform the relevant exorcism rites.


Anonymous said...

Oh Horton!

It's nothing but a racket - these priest boys take their tips from garage mechanics, electricians and plumbers.

Tell me - did he suck at his teeth and ask "Who carried out the *last* exorcism of this place???"

Mark my words - he'll be back, muttering darkly about "blooody cowboy priests" and bumping up the bill to cover "damage caused by previous unsuccessful excorcisms".

I suggest taping him and sending copies to "Watchdog".

All the Georgie,


Professor Jessica Flitey said...

Horton, do not listen to this web surfer signing herself "Faith". I can assure you that Father Bouffant comes highly regarded, and is a respected colleague and longstanding friend.

I recommended that he visit you to see exactly what type of entities we may be dealing with in your case. Though I favour electronic equipment to measure supernatural phenomena, I am also open to grass-roots detection and expulsion methods, such as the time-honoured exorcism.

For the cynical among you, Father Bouffant does charge a large fee for his services, yes, but this is only because the rites of exorcism take a heavy mental and spiritual toll upon him, and the cosmic balance demands equilibrium - money can balance the scales. What would you rather have? Animal sacrifices as of old? With a barbaric suggestion like that, I think we now have the measure of this "Faith" character.

Professor Jessica Flitey