This morning I received a visit from a man dressed as a priest, who introduced himself as Father Bouffant. From this scant information, I deduced the man was a priest.
He claimed that he had been sent by Professor Jessica Flitey of the University of Duncairn to aid in her ongoing parapsychological investigations of my home. Of all the priests in Scotland, Father Bouffant has performed the highest number of exorcisms, and claims to not only have vanquished over three hundred demons from the bodies of the possessed, but also to have converted fourteen of them, via logical argument and espousing the tenets of the Catholic church, into honest Christians. One of those, he claims, now works for the gas board in Chertsey, and was recently promoted.
He invited himself in and talked at me for some time. He then wandered around my home waving a crucifix and rosary beads before concluding that my home is positively saturated with demonic entities, and that I myself am possessed by five demons.
He left a large brown paper bag filled with mints upon my coffee table, told me to suck one every 108 minutes, and declared that he would be back tomorrow fully prepared to perform the relevant exorcism rites.