I am emotionally drained. I spent the best part of yesterday peering through the letterbox in despair watching my beloved sparrows succumb, one by one, to the gulls' insidious machinations. As the last one fell - a plucky youngster I had privately nicknamed 'Spillane' - I knew that I could hide no longer.
After a bleak night plagued by incessant digital hooting, I finally formulated a plan to trounce the pixelated gulls. They are fearless in battle and unnerving to witness, but slow-moving and clumsy, a weakness of their nature which my scheme sought to exploit.
At dawn, I stepped confidently out into the morning light and declared, "Those who seek to end me, take heed!" whereupon I set out my terms and conditions for their surrender. They appeared to laugh, though it was hard to be certain on that point as their resolution is severly restricted.
As they approached, meaning to destroy me, I prepared to put my plan into operation with self-assurance and poise. It was only then that I realised a crucial error - a large portion of my plan was dependent upon an ability to travel backwards in time and an aptitude for forward rolls, both of which are talents I lack.
I was left with no option but to retreat to the safety of my home, where I sit and wait for a better idea to strike me.
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