Monday, March 13, 2006

A Fun Suicide

I was somewhat wary of leaving the house today after the alarming events of last week. I believe that I perished at the hands of the thug, but that somehow I was resurrected and allowed a second chance at life. Perhaps I have some feline in my lineage, for it is my current supposition that I am possessed of nine lives.

To test this theory, I heated some water to boiling point and submerged my head in it for as long as I could bear. This caused a horrendous amount of pain to me, and I promptly passed out. I awoke on the kitchen floor with my face swollen and blistered beyond recognition, throbbing to an intolerable degree. I cursed my stupidity - I had succeeded only in disfiguring myself. I decided that I would try a different method of terminating my miserable life. I went to my airing cupboard and took out the secret jar of change I keep there.

I set about swallowing each coin, one by one, until I'd eaten all £78.34. I jangled as I walked and felt a terrible crippling pain in my stomach, but this did not kill me. After many other unsuccessful suicide bids, including electrocution of my hair, cutting off the circulation to my wrist, and excessive consumption of caffeine, I remembered that I had a revolver hidden under the stairs. I first shot my shin, but this just caused further pain. In a panic I shot my own face, which funnily enough did the job, as I can remember no more.

I awoke just hours ago feeling cheerful and gay: my face is no longer sore, and there is no currency in my guts. My revolver has six bullets once more. My bathroom mirror now reads "23".

My theory is correct - I have multiple lives. If I am correct, and I am some form of cat, then I have 7 of my 9 lives left. I will have tremendous fun using them up.

1 comment:

Dr. Anthony Gland said...

Horton, this is dangerous behaviour! Do not attempt self-harm any more. I have called for a specialist to visit you today as I greatly fear for your personal well-being.