Saturday, April 08, 2006

A Failed Poetry Recital

Today is my first day as a famous poet. This morning I donned a bonnet and left the house in high spirits, carrying all 15 copies of the book in which my poem appears. My intention was to read aloud to the common folk as they went about their sordid daily businesses. I felt that by doing so I might raise them from their mental and spiritual torpor and inject a modicum of meaning into their stagnant lives.

I confess I had ulteriour motives in this seemingly altruistic act, for I aimed to arouse the plebians into a passion through my poetry and exploit their frenzied state to sell them a few copies of my book. I regret being so spendthrift lately and have quite bankrupted myself - I estimate I will have to sell 14 copies (I will retain one for a keepsake) at £94 each in order to make back all that I have spent on this publishing venture.

I entered a 'public house' in the centre of Dundee called Yates ('the Wine Lodge') whereupon I began to read extracts from my poem at a terrific volume. I am sorry to report that the publican immediately threw a plate of peas at me and told me to leave. This sunk my morale so much that I ran home in tears to compose myself.

I will try a different locale for my recitals tomorrow. I must reach the people.


Anonymous said...

Horton, Horton.

You chose too rarefied an establishment in which to share your talents. Who amongst us has not gazed wistfully at Yates' Wine Lodges and not imagined the cultural majesty within? I myself fancy the Smart Set must meet there, discussing Wittgenstein and sharing Dorothy Parker style quips over their glasses of wine.

Wine is for Posh people only, Horton. The rest of us must drink beer. I'm afraid they no doubt regarded you as something of a hobbledehoy and reacted accordingly.

So chin up - some spires are just too lofty.

Horton Carew said...

Anonymous, I fear you are correct.

Although I do own a television set (colour) and a toothbrush (also colour), and am thus considered upper/middleclass, I appreciate now that there are yet more people above me.

It will be with a heightened sense of humility that I will embark tomorrow to a more humble location, culturally speaking. Perhaps the patrons of Pizza Hut will be more accomodating and open to my gift.

I will lower myself to visiting such establishments if it means reaching the common man. Also, their £3.99 buffet lunch deal now runs on the weekends too, so I can kill two birds with one stone.