Father Bouffant's Visit

Father Bouffant has just departed the house leaving me in a heightened state of alarm. He arrived at 8:45am in the middle of Channel 4's showing of Will and Grace, a situation comedy concerning the exploits of a New Yorkian 'Bunbury' and a thin female. The cast also includes a comically shrill lady and a shaved gibbon of some kind. I make a point of watching this broadcast each day as I previously had to birch myself and take a breadknife to my arms to feel the same level of self-punishment and release, and this method is far cleaner.

Father Bouffant stormed into my home letting loose a torrent of expletives. He lay on the ground and gave every impression of suffering a fit. After 30 minutes of this extraordinary behaviour, he desisted. Frasier was on at this point, which is a programme about Sideshow Bob from The Simpsons and his adventures in a 3-dimensional world.

Father Bouffant explained that on the way to my house, his body was accosted by a demon which aimed to wrest his soul from him, and he had to force the brute out as quickly as possible. I offered him a cup of tea to aid recuperation, but he specified vodka as the only sure curative. He watched The Jeremy Kyle Show with me and suggested that from the comportment displayed by the guests, certain of the lower orders would benefit from being drowned at birth. Then he went to work.

At once he discerned that the spirit of my late mother was haunting my kitchen. By some unexplained trickery, he apparently persuaded her to enter the kettle, whereupon he trapped her using Catholic magic. Expelling her spirit, he said, was then a simple process of switching the kettle on and boiling her until she dissipated as steam. This done, he announced the exorcism a complete success, told me he would return tomorrow to get rid of further spirits, and left my house singing a hymn.