Sunday, September 17, 2006

Bossert Hints at my Fate

In an effort to raise my spirits after my recent hardships, I ventured outdoors today. It was a tolerably pleasant morning so I decided to treat myself to an ice. I had a marvellous hankering for something like a Cornetto or a Strawberry Mivvie or a Fab. By and by I ended up at the freezer section of a Chinese supermarket, where I bought myself an intriguing Chinese ice called a "Frozen Pig Uterus". I loosened the uppermost buttons of my shirt and felt quite dapper as I licked at my ice in the sun and ambled back home. I am sorry to report that the Chinese, adept though they are at kites and fireworks, have yet to master the humble ice. It was not a patch on a Mr Freeze. But enough merriment for one day - I must now darken the tone and continue my sorry tale.

After Bossert revealed to me that he had deliberately twisted a boy into the shape of a lumpen dwarf, he proceeded to give me some indication as to my own fate. I would not be slain, he made that much clear, but I was certain to live out the rest of my worthless life in perpetual agony. I asked that he deleash me ('deleash' simply means 'un-enleash') so that I might at least face my destiny with dignity, but he refused my request in the following way:

I refuse your request, so do lay to rest
All your hopes of escape, for hopeless they are:
Soon Mr Carew, you'll make your debut
At the Rubik's Convention at which I'm the star.

His rhyming had begun again with gusto, signalling danger for me. I begged him to let me go free, but he would not allow it. In an effort to regain some semblance of control, I then begged him to allow me to let out a pitiful wail, to which he agreed in this fashion:

You may let out a wail for today I unveil
To the world's greatest puzzlers my latest design.
Your role, I fear, will soon become clear
So be patient you cretin and nevermore whine.

As you perceive from the fact that I am currently at home in Dundee recounting this story retrospectively, I did manage to escape from Bossert's clutches. I am sorry if this ruins the dramatic tension for you as readers, but there is little I can do about that. Maybe you could play some tense music as you are reading this diary in future to spice things up a bit if you are that bothered. Something along the lines of the theme tune to Casualty.

I will tell you some more of this story tomorrow.

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