Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Jailed and Enleashed

I will now continue my narrative, having recovered my strength and caught up with Neighbours. After announcing his plan to abduct me, Bossert allowed me a certain amount of time to update my electronic diary and to have a bath and a dinner of salmon. I suspected that he permitted me such kindnesses in an effort to instill in me early a form of Stockholm Syndrome, but being wise to this scheme, I used my brief freedom to take a Stockholm Syndrome vaccination of my own devising (Old Spice). My captor took me aside and calmly said,

To knock you unconscious for your personal good,
I must needs bludgeon you with a stout length of wood.

At which point, all went black (except those things that were already black, which remained so while everything else went black). By this I mean that I was was knocked out. And by that I mean that I lost consciousness.

I awoke with the uneasy sensation that a great many hours had elapsed while I had been out. I discovered to my horror that I was enleashed, which is not a real word and any attempts to search for it using google.com will only result in misspellings of 'Unleashed' (a film starring Jet Li as a man-dog in Glasgow). However, I use the word 'enleashed' simply to mean that I was placed in a leash like some sort of Glaswegian man-dog. I correctly assumed that Bossert had thus enleashed me.

For several days I was kept in my darkened room, forced to wallow in my own ordure. Each day at 16:15 a man slid very thin foods such as dried lasagne sheets, vine leaves, and filo pastry under the door of my cell. This was cruel psychological torture because he knew that Come Dine With Me was on channel 4 at exactly this time of the day and that my paltry provisions would seem doubly awful when I was forced to imagine the delicious meals being enjoyed by enthusiastic foodies on that programme. I curse that gaoler still for his inhumanity.

After roughly 5 days of this sorry treatment I was released from the cell. Recounting this tale has coaxed briny pearls (tears) from my eyes, so I fear I must stop for tonight. I will continue the narrative tomorrow when I have regained control of my emotions.

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