Creating Nutrilium

Last week I followed the instructions on how to create Nutrilium and this led to a string of problems that I have only just recovered from. I cannot reveal the instructions in their entirety lest some boob attempt to replicate the creation process and bring the civilised world to its knees.

After I had assembled the small distillery and the required bellows, I set to work. The instructions were extremely complex and necessitated the addition of certain rare chemicals and compounds including Boswellox and Bividus Digestivum, and the intonation of liturgical chants in Middle English.

Unfortunately, I misread a key instruction at day four and added three plum tomatoes instead of the stated 'Disodium Cocoamphodiacetate', which led me to create what I believe is 'anti-Nutrilium', for when I tried to massage the final concoction into my pate it resulted in dull, lifeless hair, dandruff, and split ends. What is more, it paralysed my body completely from the ankles down.

During the time I spent lying helpless on the kitchen floor waiting for feeling to return to my body, I saw the likeness of Bill Owen in my curtains, who brought with him a warning that the anti-nutrilium would awaken a psychic link to the spirit world, and that I would be visited by several ghosts over the next few days, who I should attempt to help in any way I could. I told him that I had already made contact with several eskimo spirits recently but he informed me that I was a halfwit. As he disappeared, I felt the feeling return to my body and I promptly rushed to my computer to update my readership on these strange events.