Tuesday, July 11, 2006

How My Computer was Reclaimed

To continue my tale of the stolen computer, it is first necessary to furnish the uninformed among you with a brief history of Nazism, to improve your chances of understanding the context of my narrative.

The Nazi Party was led by Adolf Hitler, an evil man with a moustache who sought religious relics such as the Ark of the Covenant and the Holy Grail to bring immortality to himself and supernatural power to his troups. He funded such projects by stealing famous artistic masterpieces, among them Van Clomp's Das Gefallene Madonna mit den Grossen BrĂ¼sten, and selling them for profit. He was eventually killed by William Blazkowicz who managed to penetrate Hitler's robotic suit with an array of powerful weapons. After his death, the Nazi Party fell out of favour, though some devoted fans managed to smuggle Hitler's brain to Mandoras with the aim of reviving him later, while in a similar project, Dr Mengele successfully cloned 94 Hitlers in the 60s. To this day, one of Hitler's testicles remains on display at London's Royal Albert Hall.

With this information in mind, you can appreciate that the sort of person who still follows the teachings of Hitler (vegetarianism and hatred) in this day and age is clearly unhinged. I realised I would have to be on guard when confronting the Nazi thief who stole my computer. So I took my revolver with me and set off into town to track the bounder down.

I traced him to a place called Comet and was shocked to discover that he had evidently stolen at least 30 computers from different people and had them displayed in his shop as though they were completely new. They were for sale at prices exceeding £1000. The fiend had the audacity to approach me and offer to sell me one! I would not take such cheek from a Nazi, so I pulled out my revolver and threatened to shoot his ankles if he did not return my computer to me. The coward quickly buckled and, weeping, gave me a large heavy box which held a computer far superior to my original. This was his attempt at reparations. I accepted the superior model, though his gesture did not earn my forgiveness.

I returned home and installed the new machine by following the instructions provided. This is a boring part of the story, about which you need only know that I was eventually successful. It is my hope that this computer will not be stolen, and that the Nazi does not seek petty vengeance for my humiliation of him.

If he should attempt it, however, you can be sure I will be ready for him.

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