Friday, July 14, 2006

I Have Gained a Small Advantage

Whilst I was considering my options and waiting for the right moment to make my move, the ants seized upon my indecision and made numerous further bids for my wax. I am happy to report that they remain unsuccessful at present, although they are relentlessly breaking my spirit.

As a temporary measure I have loaded my ears with Blu-Tack to shield my wax from the theives. Similarly, I rolled a Brillo Pad into a stiff wiry bung and wedged it into the ants' hole. Regardless of how strong their tiny jaws might be, I reasoned, they will surely be unable to chew through the steel wool.

I now believe they have a secondary exit to their nest because during the last ten minutes of Deal or No Deal? (the only part of the programme worth watching in my opinion), I once again beheld the slow, insidious march of the ants. With great rapidity I sprang from my armchair, admittedly through instinctive fear, but to my credit I turned the reflex to my advantage by picking up the lead ant and flinging him into the uppermost drawer of my bureau and slamming fast it shut.

The rest of the ants speedily retreated. I hold an important tactical advantage now, for I have their General captive and will not release him unless they agree to my terms. My copy of Sun Tze's The Art of War will be well-thumbed tonight as I ready myself for tomorrow's excitement. No doubt the ants' revenge will be swift.


Professor Jessica Flitey said...

Mr Carew, I hope things are going well with you. I note you are having trouble with ants - it may be that these are spectral and thus able to glide through the steel wool. There are accounts of similar incidents in the literature.

You might be interested to know I have completed Chapter 5 of my monograph on your case. I am nearly ready to begin Chapter 6 which will entail another visit to your house. I should like to spend a few days with you and conduct a few short interviews.

I will be in touch shortly to arrange the visit - for the moment, could you tell me any dates in the next few weeks that you will be unavailable?

Blessings be,

Professor Jessica Flitey

Horton Carew said...

Professor Flitey,

It is unlikely that I will be available to receive you on or before Wednesday 19th July as it is highly probable I will still be engaged with my ant infestation until this time.

The ants are not spectral in nature: of that I am positive. I felt each of their hateful feet as they tramped across my face: they are corporeal, mark my words.

Professor Jessica Flitey said...

Would the week commencing Monday 24th be suitable?

That week is the only one I have free for a while now - summertime is conference time for us academics, and my services are in high demand on the circuit.

I would very much like to come and visit you again - I apologise for the short notice.

Blessings be,

Professor Jessica Flitey

Horton Carew said...


Those dates will be fine. Kindly remind me nearer the date of the visit as I am liable to forget. My tendency to overlook things is a character flaw of which I am deeply ashamed.

I am anxious to have the opportunity to get in a good store of white bread for your visit, as last time there was insufficient food in the house.

Professor Jessica Flitey said...

Mr Carew,

I have pencilled that week into my diary - note that it might change at the last minute as I am down as reserve plenary speaker at an important interdisciplinary conference on Ufology at the University of Pitlochry - if Dr Hoy Larrigull is ill, I will have to step in. I hope you are flexible in your dates.

There's no need for you to worry about food and drink for me and my team - my postgrads will doubtless bring packed lunches, and my faculty colleagues and I will find a modest restaurant locally to meet our needs.

Blessings be,

Professor Jessica