Thursday, July 13, 2006

A Resolution is Made Regarding the Ants

I have resolved to annihilate the ants. Though the deaths of many hundreds of living creatures will doubtless cost me dearly in terms of karma, I feel that this is the only way forward. Experts I have consulted have informed me that there is no pain-free, ethically-sound mode of removing ants from my property. I looked into the possibility of buying one tiny blow dart per ant to knock them unconscious. It was my intent to take their comatose bodies out to a forest to allow them to roam free when they regained their senses, but one expert told me such a scheme was improbable and another told me it was impossible. A third told me I was an imbecile and could be persuaded to say nothing more.

I am thus convinced I must murder these insects.

Today I tried capturing all the ants in a large cardboard box. Had this been successful, I would then have taken the box into the back garden and set it ablaze. I can hear your words of warning now dear reader, but believe me, I am one step ahead of you. Obviously, I was aware that the fire would have attracted vagrants, but I had planned against this eventuality by lining up a row of Wellington boots along the verge of the lawn, knowing that the vagrants would at once become distracted by the footwear and forget the flames.

To first tempt the ants into the box, I decided Shreddies were the best option as ants famously crave wheat. I had no milk in the house so was forced to manufacture my own in the usual fashion. I deposited the cereal into the box and waited for several hours, but no ants came. I fear they have seen through my ploy and foresee my murderous intent. They will not risk entrapment, even for wheat. What am I to do?

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