My Pathway in Criticism is Chosen

Having settled upon my new career as a critic, I had first to decide what species of critic I would be. Should I choose to be a humble reviewer and test things out for people to let them know whether it would be worth their while trying them out for themselves? Or should I be a more academic critic and analyze things in order to show how they square with the philosophies of certain Frenchmen? I decided that I was not intelligent enough to understand or appreciate the purpose of the latter type of criticism, so abandoned that at once and elected to be a common reviewer.

But what would I review? The market for film and TV reviews is already flooded - I fear my opinion would be as a raindrop in the ocean, or as a grain of sand in a desert, or as a single hundred-and-thousand upon a cake topped with hundreds and thousands of hundreds-and-thousands. Besides which, Paul Ross's and Garry Bushell's opinions on films and TV programmes are definitive and render all others unnecessary.

I toyed briefly with becoming a food critic when indulging in a mid-morning packet of prawn-cocktail crisps and a Tunnock's teacake, but I found that I could not think of enough synonyms for 'delicious' for this to be feasible.

It strikes me that what I really seek is a type of criticism that, when practised, will garner me a certain amount of respect and will lead to people thinking me highbrow and erudite, but which is really no more effort than being a TV reviewer, and comes with free wine and nibbles from folk eager to butter me up so that I might write a better review of their product. Wait a minute - I have it... I shall become a theatre critic! I already have some experience in theatre, having once seen Krapp's Last Tape and a touring production of Rookery Nook.

Tomorrow is the opening night of Dundee Rep Theatre's Sweet Burd o' Bairns, a modern Scots translation of Tennessee Williams's Sweet Bird of Youth - I shall attend this performance and write a criticism.

Glory awaits, gentle readers, glory awaits!