The Ants Begin to Worship Me

Over the last few days I have succeeded in coaxing a large faction of the ants into my religion. Bossert will no doubt be feeling the sting of reduced ranks. I began my task by creating a small temple out of old maths textbooks. The algebraic formulae therein appeared as arcane runes to the ants, who are not well versed in advanced mathematics, and lent a suitable air of mysticism to my place of worship. Several ants were immediately impressed and rushed over to be welcomed to my flock. I dubbed these 'the Elect' and rewarded them with bran.

With a church in place, I was then obliged to drum up business. I mocked up several 'miracles' to impress the younger insects (in actuality, these were no more than tawdry card tricks, widely available at Woolworths around the country). This convinced a large quantity of ants, as well as a spider who got swept along in the outpouring of spontaneous devotion. These followers I called 'the Brethren of Deegh'. I smote the spider with a slipper.

I next turned to bribery - I laid out a trail of sugarelly water along my carpet from ant city into the bowels of my church. Well, another schism promptly broke off and was drawn to the sweet, sweet scent of the sugarelly. Once they entered the church, I kept them further satiated with liquified Maltesers and cider pap dulcified with molasses. I told these new additions to my congregation that they would thereafter be known as 'the Devoted Followers of Kelk'.

At this point, Bossert still kept the lion's share of the ants in his thrall, so I decided to turn to fear in order to persuade further ants to worship me. I sent out the Elect to do my dirty bidding, and sure enough, they seemed to cajole and bully many more ants into my temple. These I called 'The Unwilling Friars of Tope' and I smote a few of them just to show I was serious.

I now have a larger proporation of the ants prepared to worship me than does Bossert, so I consider it a job well done. Since then, I have told them my Commandments, which I have purposely kept as easy to follow as possible, and told them what my religion can offer over Bossert's.

I promised them not just one afterlife, but two, and set up a system of morality which is very relaxed and allows them to eat pork and shellfish should they crave it, and requires them to regularly drink Cointreau. They are also permitted to covet their neighbour's ass every second Friday, if they fancy it.

I would dearly like to get the remaining ants on side, but if I should fail at this there is no other option but to set my ants upon the poor unsaved ants of Bossert's and unleash a war not seen since the days of Big Trouble in Little China.