Saturday, August 05, 2006

I Gain Further Followers.

Yet more ants have been persuaded to join my religion. When I described the heaven that my religion offers, I immediately converted a great many non-believers. When members of my religion die, they first go to a judgement room, where an enormous ant called Adam Ant McPartlin measures their spiritual worth. If they are judged to have been good in life, their souls go to a wonderful afterlife where giant human heads made of mechanically-separated pressed meat project from the ground. The souls of ants can then spend eternity consuming these heads, which are constantly replenished. If they momentarily tire of this treat, they may relax with a massage. Ants judged to have been wicked are sent to the same afterlife, but they are the ones who must administer the massages.

This afterlife clearly offered more than the one Bossert was peddling, as the ants flocked in droves to my church. As he still retained two or three hundred ants in his religion, I invented the concept of Duel-Heaven, which allows very good ants to have a cloned soul which goes to a different heaven when they die. In this heaven, the ants get to bathe in thimbles full of buttermilk while dusky Queen ants read to them tales of brave Ulysses. Thus, very good ants get two heavens to experience simultaneously for all of eternity. When they heard of this concept, one hundred of Bossert's ants promptly joined me. I have made it something of a tradition now to smite a few members of each new group as a small punishment for their tardiness in joining my religion. This keeps them on their toes, and entertains the more devout followers.

Bossert now has but two hundred ants under his thrall - I think I should be able to persuade them to join me when I go on to expound my various doctrines.

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