Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Researching Patrick Bossert

None of the gods have bothered to reply to my kind letters, either by divine vision or by First Class Recorded, so I have now become an atheist to teach them a lesson. Since Sunday I have worn an atheist hat to make plain my feelings to any gods viewing from above.

It is of a similar design to the one depicted here, except that my hat is black with no stripes and is conical in shape with no bottom hat ring:

Obviously I feel slighted, but I will retain my dignity and complain publically no more. I must update you on the situation regarding the ants. Although I have scuppered the General's secret deal to sacrifice 10,000 ant souls to Patrick Bossert in return for the secret of the Rubik's Cube, I still remain at risk because an additional clause of that deal specified a human soul as part of the bargain.

The General made a tentative first move to kill me on Monday by running swiftly around my feet as if to dizzy me into collapsing and splitting my head on the corner of a radiator. I admired his fighting spirit, but I easily countered this ludicrous move by closing tight my eyes and refusing to allow my gaze to follow him. After an hour or so, I had a sort of epiphany and had to retire to my room to change my trousers. While I was there I had a sudden moment of glorious clarity where it occurred to me that my nemesis was only some 3mm in length and would be relatively easy for an eleven and a half stone man to destroy. I stormed through to the hall with the intent to bring my foot down heavily upon the General but his running around in circles distracted me so that I became dizzy and fell over, allowing him time to escape.

Feeling sheepish, I retired to my room to reassess the situation. I searched the internet for information about Patrick Bossert, reasoning that if I knew more about the man, I might gain some insight into his strategies and aims. I found a brief biography of Bossert in which it was revealed that after he solved the Cube he sunk into a deep depression, finding no human puzzles sufficient to engage him. Mathematicians approached him with famous unsolved theorums and problems, which Bossert would idly solve while waiting for the kettle to boil for his endless cups of tea.

Nothing could approach the Cube in terms of challenge, and Bossert turned to snuff and ether to alleviate boredom with a life devoid of puzzles. The article claimed that Bossert retired from public appearances in 1994, becoming a recluse. Some believe he has devoted the last ten years to designing a puzzle that will be so fiendishly difficult that it will take even him several decades to complete. Readers, I now believe that I have somehow become embroiled in Bossert's repugnant scheme. I will have to rethink my tactics.

I also bought a copy of Bossert's book You Can Do The Cube! from Ebay, which has just arrived. Unfortunately, I appear to have made an error because what has arrived is not a 'how-to' guide penned by the Schoolboy Cubemaster, but a copy of a record by 'Ice Cube' called You Can Do It. I have tried listening to it and I conclude it is Rap music like that of Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince.


Professor Jessica Flitey said...

Mr Carew,

I know of an academic from St. Cedd's College, Cambridge who has done some research on the nature of the 'ultimate puzzle' (as it has come to be known in conspiracy theorist circles). Professor Hashkee Khronotaster believes a mysterious millionaire who has ties to the FBI and to the Bavarian Illuminati, is attempting to create a puzzle that will incorporate elements of time-travel and genocide, which is so complex it may destroy the space-time continuum.

It is fascinating that you have identified Bossert here. I will forward these details to Professor Khronotaster directly.

Blessings be,
Prof Jess

Dr Anthony Gland said...

Oh now really, this is outrageous nonsense. Is there nothing too absurd that you are not prepared to endorse it Professor Flitey? I am astonished that you ever find funding for any of your so-called 'research'. You should know I have written a formal complaint to your University regarding your methods in the case of Horton.

I find your continued exploitation of a man suffering from paranoid delusions to be reprehensible.

Horton, I urge you not to pay any attention to Professor Flitey and remember what we discussed at our last meeting - any time something odd or unexpected happens in your life, practise deep breathing and repeat the mantra we talked about about - "this isn't real, this isn't real". Things like ant cities and Patrick Bossert's 'super-puzzle' are only in your head - you can be rid of them by positive thinking.

Remember the mantra Horton! :)

Dr Anthony Gland

Professor Jessica Flitey said...


Dr Gland, once again you reveal the limitations of your field. Not everything can be explained away as hallucinations and delusions. Real spiritual entities, real paranormal phenomena face Mr Carew daily. That you are unable to see this is stark evidence of either your ignorance or your deliberate suppression of the truth for politically unscrupulous reasons.

Dr Gland, I fear my university will simply dismiss your letter of complaint as that of yet another half-baked detractor to my important and pioneering work.

Please do not make a further mockery of yourself by insisting upon a strictly empiricist, scientific rationalistic worldview - that is old hat nowadays and you merely reveal yourself to be backwards-looking and curmudgeonly.

Blessings be,
Professor Jessica Flitey