Saturday, August 12, 2006

Spare a Thought for your God

For those of you who would play God, take note: it is not as easy as it looks. I am left with no ants of my own thanks to my over-zealous smiting. I now realise that the various gods of this world work long, hard hours for very little thanks (apart from hymns telling of their glory). Now that I have walked a mile in their shoes and realise what they have to put up with, I have made an effort to write to them and tell them how much I appreciate their efforts. I encourage my readers to do likewise.

I started off by writing to Allah, the god of the Muslims, and thanked him for all his hard work taking care of the world. I even took a bit of time to draw a lovely picture of the prophet Mohammed, which I'm sure will go down well. The newspapers tell me that certain followers of Allah are becoming a bit rowdy of late, so I expect he's having a rough time of it and getting a lot of unfair bad press. Please, gentle readers, write to him and cheer him up. I wouldn't recommend you post it via airmail though, as there is currently some sort of delay with the airports.

I then wrote to Brahman, the god of the Hindus, and thanked him for overseeing and embodying the cosmic balance of the universe. I hope when he receives it that he has taken the form of Ganesha the elephant, because I drew some succulent peanuts at the foot of the page as a sort of gift to him, which will become meaningless if he has taken the form of Shiva, the octopus woman. My gesture will go down especially well if he is Ganesha because I have drawn enough nuts for his sons, Babar and Dumbo, too.

Next, I wrote to Buddha, and wished him well. I do not know if he is a god or just a spiritual leader like Alan Sugar, so I thought I'd better hedge my bets and write to him anyway. I told him I was grateful for the concept of Nirvana and for incense sticks and tie-dyed blankets, which I believe is the sort of thing he goes in for.

I wrote to the Christian god next, thanking him for all the fancy churches and cathedrals, which provide many tourist pounds to many cities. I thanked him for lending the human race his sons, Jesus H. Christ and David Icke, and for providing filmmakers and storytellers with useful biblical imagery to enliven drab tales.

I then penned a few words to the god of the Jews, thanking him for not sending his son down to Earth, which caused so much trouble for the Christians. I also thanked him for the work he has done to preserve the pig and clam populations by forbidding his followers from eating them. I kept quiet about the compulsory circumcision business.

I decided I'd better write to the goddess of the wiccans too. I thanked her for giving 'goth' teenagers something other than 'Atheist' to write under 'religion' on their myspace webpages, and for saving the livelihoods of candlemakers in this modern world of electrical lights.
I gathered all these letters together, uttered a short prayer to Hermes the messenger of the gods, then committed them to the flames. The words will now ascend into the various heavens to be read by the gods.

Again, I encourage you all to write to your gods and tell them that you appreciate their efforts. They do it all for you, remember. If you are an atheist, perhaps you could write to Richard Dawkins and thank him for his efforts in bullying the other gods.

Ganesha the elephant god

2 comments:

pagan_gal said...

Your ignorant of Wicca its the oldest religion in the world and is a series religion ((see Gerald Gardner). Ur talking about fluffy bunnies and dumbass wanna-blessed-bes wich most series Wiccans laugh at. btw, wiccans also worship not just the goddess but also the horned god aswell.

u should watch what u say about wiccas as many of we can practise magick and u may find urself cursed lol

The Burning Times - we must never forget! Wicas rule!

Darwinisdead said...

I know Jesus as my Lord and Saviour and love to serve my risen Redeemer. He is truly awesome. Horton, you should thank him too for his Love and forgiveness, not for the silly things you suggest. Accept Christ and trust him as your sinbearer and he will gladly be your Deliverer. Jesus is Love, he longs to love you and forgive you but you must accept him as your Saviour: "Unless a man is Born Again he cannot see the Kingdom of God" (John 3:3).Trust in God and his son Jesus who loves all unconditionally. Unless you are a homosexual or believe in evolutionary theory - Jesus does not want you: "If a man lie with man, as he lieth with a woman, or if he mince or flounce, or if he striveth to alter straight guys with his queer eye, then he hath committed an abomination: he shall surely be put to death" (Leviticus 20:13) and "Your grandfather is not a monkey" (Ephesians 2:10). To pagan_gal: "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." (Exodus 22:18). Repent.