Tuesday, August 01, 2006

On the Subject of the Ants' Faith

On Sunday I was forced to endure the unwelcome scrutiny of vulgar spectators as the day saw me venturing out-of-doors to visit shops. I sought to purchase some ant powder that I might use to finally destroy the vermin, a task which unfortunately would necessitate some conversation with people. Luckily I did not have to go far because a helpful infant sold me a small bag of powder at the first street corner I reached.

Returning home, I scattered the powder over ant city. I felt a bit like the wrathful deity in The Bible: The Old Testament, who throws things at mortals then calls for fatted calves. When the powder failed to smite the ants and actually seemed to enliven them and instigate happiness, I felt a little more like the deity in the sequel called The Bible: The New Testament, who treats his mortals to candies and kisses when they are down.

Further observation, however, showed me that no one could usurp Patrick Bossert as the ants' deity of choice. They are devoted to the schoolboy cubemaster to an extent that defies reason. Their mindless bowing and prostration sickens me - they are slaves to this perverse mockery of Faith.

I know they aim to sacrifice me, and I know the ant General seeks to kill all the ants save himself as an offering to Bossert in exchange for the secret of the Cube. I have taken it upon myself to convert these ants to an alternative religion, one devised by myself, to save them from sacrificial death, and to ultimately save myself from a similar fate - if I can but get them on my side, all will be well and Bossert will be foiled.

Thus far I have come up with 4 commandments tailored to the mindset of ants. These are:

1. Thou Shalt Scurry Around.
2. Thou Shalt Have Mandibles.
3. Thou Shalt Flee Buckets Of Boiling Water If Poured Onto Your Nest By A Disgruntled Housewife.
4. Thou Shalt Tentatively Examine Discarded Crumbs of Food And If Thou Decide They Looketh Tasty, Then Thou Shalt Carry Them Back To The Nest For Later Consumption.

It is my hope that the ants will be drawn to my religion, finding it undemanding and easy to follow.

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