Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Grow Your Own Crystals: Day 7

Yesterday, the crystals grew redder and redder with each additional drop of gore I provided. They swelled to the size of golf balls, then squash balls, then Ben Wa balls, then shinty balls, then tennis balls, then cricket balls, then footballs, then rugby balls, then medicine balls, then Hasselhoff balls.

They seemed to crave my blood and continued to scream unbearably until I reluctantly give them succour. I was not convinced that this was supposed to happen, especially in a 'Grow Your Own Crystal' set costing £1.95, recommended for children aged 8 and over, so I consulted the instructions once again.

In small print, I discovered the following:

Warning -
Do not ingest crystals.
Do not observe crystals' growth from atop a windy mountain without first informing authorities of your whereabouts.
Do not place crystals in eye.
Do not drill a hole in a child's head and place crystals within.
Do not set yourself alight in an effort to promote crystal growth.
Do not feed these crystals Tizer, Kwenchy-Kups, or human blood.

Naturally, I was alarmed to see that I had failed to heed a warning. Do not fail to heed this warning: Do not fail to heed a warning. I quickly phoned the 'Grow You Own Crystal' advice line and spoke to Gareth.

Gareth: 'Grow Your Own Crystal' advice line, Darren speaking, how may I help you?
Me: I thought you were called Gareth.
Darren: I get that quite a lot. How may I help you?
Me: What would happen if some idiotic prole failed to heed a warning and fed human blood to the crystals on or around Day 5 of their development?
Darren: Why, that would be disasterous! Luckily, no one yet has failed to heed the warning we provide on all packets.
Me: But imagine they did. What would happen?
Darren: I do not like to think of it. Rest assured, sir, that no one would fail to heed the warning on the side of the packet, which states: 'Do not feed these crystals Tizer, Kwenchy-Kups, or human blood.' We provide the warning so that people can heed it and avoid unpleasant repurcussions.
Me: Hypothetically though, what would happen?
Darren: Sir, you upset me to continue this line of questioning. The repercussions of feeding human blood to crystals on or around Day 5 of their development would be so unpleasant that I would feel guilty telling you, for you would surely faint and split your head on the side of a radiator as you fell.
Me: I will take that risk. Please tell me Darren.
Darren: Very well....brace yourself. Feeding human blood to the crystals on or around Day 5 of their development results in the creation of.... raw.... EVIL!
Me: Raw chervil?
Darren: No....raw...EVIL!


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