Thursday, January 11, 2007

Grow Your Own Evil

The crystals have developed horny growths all over their fiery red surface, which I assume are something conceptually akin to Satan's horns. Yesterday the large red jewels became so hot that the ramekin melted, leaving it quite unsuitable for accommodating chocolate mousses or cheese souffles in future. I have stopped feeding them my blood after learning that by doing so, I was manufacturing raw evil instead of novelty gems. There is enough evil in this world without someone creating more in a small Dundee bedroom.

I consulted the Bible to find out what the Good Book had to say about how to expunge evil from things. Unfortunately it did not have an index making it next to useless as a reference guide, so I had to pray to the Lord that I would find something relevant, then flick open pages at random. This method was far less effective than an index, but I eventually found the following:

'When a woman has her regular flow of blood, the impurity of her monthly period will last seven days, and anyone who touches her will be unclean till evening'.

Interesting though this was, it did not seem relevant so I tried again, finding the following:

'When you go to war against your enemies and the Lord your God delivers them into your hands and you take captives, if you notice among the captives a beautiful woman and are attracted to her, you may take her as your wife. Bring her into your home and have her shave her head, trim her nails and put aside the clothes she was wearing when captured'.

I made a note of this for future reference, but again, it did not appear immediately salient, so I tried one more time, praying very hard to God to direct me to the correct page because, in his wisdom, He did not think to insist upon an index:

'But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence'.

I decided that, today, God was directing me towards the hatred of women, rather than offering guidance on the extirpation of evil from anomolous gems, so I forsook Him. I decided to take matters into my own hands. I have heard it said that red wine can transubstantiate under certain circumstances. This means that it turns into the blood of Christ when imbibed by a devotee of Christianity, and makes the drinker approximately 30% holier and 20% more vampiric. Thus I drank a bottle of red wine, ate a kitkat (for the wafer), and held a modest communion in my lounge.

I allowed a few minutes for the red wine inside me to fully transubstantiate, then regurgitated Christ's blood all over the gems. Smoke hissed from them, which is what usually happens when something evil dies. Success!

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