Sunday, January 14, 2007

Grow Your Own Evil 2

On investigating the crystals, they no longer appear to be growing so I am convinced that they are dead, yet they still retain a veneer of wickedness. Unsure of how to dispose of them, I again phoned the 'Grow Your Own Crystal' advice line and spoke to Darren:

Darren: Hello, 'Grow Your Own Crystal' advice line, Gareth speaking. How may I help you?
Me: I thought your name was Darren.
Gareth: Heavens, no. How may I help you today, sir?
Me: I accidentally fed my crystals human blood on or around Day 5 of their development. They turned into raw evil. I have killed them off using the blood of Our Saviour but I am unsure of how to dispose of them. Any ideas?
Gareth: You mean to say that you failed to heed our warning?
Me: I mean to say this, yes. I regret it deeply, if that helps.
Gareth: It does not help, sir. We are in trouble here. While you have successfully killed the raw evil, all you achieved is preventing it growing larger. That which remains is extremely potent and extremely dangerous. If anyone ingests the raw evil or smears it liberally upon their skin, they will become evil at once.
Me: That sounds extremely potent and extremely dangerous.
Gareth: Oh, believe me - it is. Extremely potent and extremely dangerous.
Me: So what should I do?
Gareth: You cannot eliminate evil, sir, just displace and disguise it. If you have any conscience, you will not unleash this evil upon the world. Hide it in your home, and for God's sake, do not ingest it or smear it liberally upon your skin.

I immediately gathered up the red, round crystals and hid them in my fridge. Beside some tomatoes. I forsee no more problems with the raw evil and look forward to tomorrow.

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