Tuesday, March 20, 2007

I Fail to Establish my Immorality


Today I precipitated the demise of a cat through ghastly methodology and felt no concomitant guilt. From this success I deduced that I was indeed truly evil. Boasting to my dead mother of my feat, I was surprised to hear that this was by no means sufficient proof of wickedness, because more than half the world's population hates cats and would kill them themselves given half a chance. My dead mother, who is knowledgable about such things, informs me that cats are creatures of evil anyway, so technically I have committed a good act by ending its miserable life.

This is a step backwards. My dead mother suggests that a better project to test my evil nature would be a dog. All dogs are innocent and wholly good, with the exception of Zoltan (hound of Dracula). My mother proposes, and I have taken her up on the challenge, that tomorrow I find a dog and garrote it. This I will do, and monitor the levels of guilt I feel consequently. If no guilt is felt, I am undoubtedly evil.

I hope I can do my wicked mother proud, or else that poor Pole will never get skinned!

7 comments:

dr anthony gland said...

Readers of Horton's weblog, do not worry about the events in this entry - Horton has a lot of soft toys around his house - I strongly suspect that the 'cat' in this case is actually just one of the soft toys. It will be the same story if he claims to kill a dog. This is in keeping with past behaviour of his that I have witnessed.

Thankyou for leaving comments on his weblog - this is the closest he gets to socialising and is essential in rebuilding his fractured psyche. Be patient and kind - he has many problems to work through. With your help, he will achieve much.

Thanks again,

Dr Anthony Gland

Professor Jessica Flitey said...

Dr Gland,

Despite your assurances that all is well with Mr Carew, I'd like you to explain, if you can, the report in today's Courier about the disappearance of Polish immigrant Franciszka Jachowicz, last seen selling paintings door-to-door in the Dundee area?

Blessings be,
Professor Jessica Flitey

dr anthony gland said...

Mere coincidence, Professor Flitey. Oh, perhaps it'd qualify as a 'wacky' coincidence that you might cut out and send to your Fortean Times magazine, but it's coincidence nonetheless.

You forget that Tayside police have also investigated Horton's home and can corroborate my account.

Professor Jessica Flitey said...

Dr Gland,

Tayside Police are simply not equipped to deal with the paranormal. They are concerned with the world of cold empiricism and stark facts of the black and white variety. As I have suggested, so much of Mr Carew's case is about the shades of grey found between reality and the otherworldly.

In this case, I hold the opinion of Tayside Police to be as blinkered and as worthless as your own.

Blessings be,
Prof. Jess

HORTON CAREW said...

My dear friends, please do not bicker. You do yourselves no favours and my respect for your venerable professions dwindles with each of your barbed comments.

Please know that I merely record the facts of my life as I see them. Dr Gland, this is precisely what you asked of me. Professor Flitey, this is exactly what you asked of me too.

Of course, I am presently evil, so have little interest in pleasing either of you. I may well begin throwing in lies and misdirection from this point on in my electronic diary, purely to annoy and confound the pair of you.

dr anthony gland said...

Prof Flitey, I will not argue with you as it is clearly upsetting Horton.

Needless to say, I believe the recent sad disappearance of Franciszka Jachowicz to be unconnected to the events described in Horton's weblog entries.

Purely coincidental. I mean, come on woman! Is nothing coincidence with you? Must everything have some supernatural or insidious explanation? I mean, my cat has disappeared from my house today - I suppose that's significant too??

Wilf said...

We have a cat called Serena and she thinks she is top dog - does that make her half evil? Or half good?