Monday, March 19, 2007

I Perform a Hobbling

Hello halfwits!! In order to regain my wickedness I have eaten the crystals of evil in their entirety. I am certain that it has succeeded for reasons I will explain below.

Yesterday, to test the strength of my evilness, I crushed the leg of a ladybird (it was innocent of any wrongdoing and deserved no such torture). It was exactly like that scene in the film Misery where the fat woman cripples the writer with a sledgehammer, except that I merely used my finger to destroy the ladybird's leg and, of course, the ladybird was not a romantic novelist. I am confident that I am imbued with the evilness of ten devils for I felt practically no guilt after performing this nefarious act. In point of fact, at seeing the ladybird hobble away, I laughed aloud.

I remain wary of skinning the Pole until I am absolutely assured that I am 100% evil because I do not want to be bothered with pangs of guilt midway through administering the skinning and be forced to stop, for that would be embarrassing and would be most unpleasant for the Pole.

Tomorrow I will take the life of some creature. If I suffer no guilt and I delight in the creature's death, then it is certain that I am evil and I can safely graduate to skinning the Pole. However, if I feel sorrow at my actions then it will be painfully apparent that I am not evil enough to flay another human being and I will be forced to abandon my ambitions of becoming a world-renowned Dark Lord.

Keep your fingers crossed for me you halfwits!!


Wilf said...

I will keep my fingers crossed but will not put them anywhere near you, I think.


You are quite right to fear me youngling, for I am currently very evil.

Though thank you for keeping your fingers crossed for me. Your support will only strengthen my resolve further. If I do become a sort of dark overlord, I may spare your life and let you tend my various pantries.