Monday, March 26, 2007

Mother's Punishment

My dead mother demands that I sever my right hand from my right arm as penance for my lack of sins. Only then will she be satisfied that fealty has been served.

Readers, I must admit reluctance on my part to cleave my right hand from my right arm. As I am right-handed, I asked if she might reconsider and allow me to cut off my left hand instead, which I currently only use for novelty value and for maintaining a sense of symmetry, but my mother is adamant that it be my right hand.

I expect she will eventually persuade or cajole me into going through with this grim task, but I will be very sorry to see my right hand go - it has served me well these last few years and has been instrumental in many of my happiest moments on this earth.

I turn now to Microsoft's comprehensive collection of cliparts to provide illustrations of common uses of one's right hand, to convey to you exactly what everyday activities I will be missing out on when I sacrifice my hand.

Use 1: Cradling a russet apple

Use 2: Depressing buttons


Use 3: Rehearsing for an imagined day when golf courses shrink



Use 4: Shooting things (specifically guns)



Use 5: Mimicking arthritis

2 comments:

Kennie Pome said...

Hey, love the blog. some great stuff here. Horton's a brilliant character.
Guess I should introduce meself: I'm Kennie Pome - I'm doing an M.Phil at Abertay University's English Dept in Dundee. I'm writing a dissertation on metafiction in the blogosphere (I know - wanky title but it got me some funding!). So naturally your blog has caught my eye being set in Dundee (are you actually from Dundee yourself?)
Your blog is really pretty ingenious in places - loving the obscure references and nested metafictional structuring and you're use of supplementary fictional commentators is very postmodern!
The current thread is very interesting - I'm enjoying the Freudian critique - monstrous females aplenty! I like the idea of Horton giving 'birth' to his mother (Dec 27 2006) and the current Oedipal onanism-angst and Horton's channelling of his dead mother, nicely riffing off Norman Bates and other 'mommy's boys' tropes. And its all overblown and self-aware enough to be very funny - you definately get away with it! ;)
Anyway enough compliments for now I think. I'm planning to do a bit of analysis of this blog in my dissertation (it won't all be positive though I think it;s fair to say - I think there are some major weaknesses and conceptual flaws with the blog, which I hope to discuss with you (so if you can't stand the heat, get oot of the kitchen, so to speak) ;)). Wonder if it'd be possible to interview you? (via email (or in person if you live in Scotland - its hard to tell!))
Let me know if this will be possible? Look forward to hearing from you.

HORTON CAREW said...

I have not the faintest idea what you are talking about.