Sunday, March 11, 2007

Some Drawbacks to Evilness

My dead mother has continued to persuade me to increase my efforts to be evil. Apparently the evil acts I have thus far committed are simply insufficient. Readers, to be candid for a moment, I feel I must admit that, evil though I am, and pleasurable though evil is, I am growing somewhat weary of the evil way of life. It is not without its drawbacks.

Today, for example, I sat down with a mug of miso soup and an egg mayonnaise sandwich (two of the most evil foodstuffs I could think of) and prepared to watch Diagnosis Murder with Dick Van Dyke. No sooner had I switched the television on than my dead mother screeched at me to switch it off. She explained that, because I was now evil I could only watch a pirated copy of the programme. If an opportunity to harm someone exists, regardless of how minimal that harm may be, the evil man must seize that chance. Thus I had to scroll through fan webpages on the internet to identify what episode I should be watching.

Satisfied that I had found the correct episode (Season 2, Episode 2: 'A Very Fatal Funeral'), I was then obliged to download it illegally on YouTube, though someone, in an ignorant effort to be helpful, had broken up that episode into several smaller parts but had named each file inconsistently. It took many hours to piece together the episode and the final result was unsatisfying. Tiny picture, tinny sound, and Dr. Sloan's moustache was far too pixelly to be appreciated as Van Dyke intended.

I found myself wishing, just then, that I could turn off my evilness for just the shortest amount of time, so that I could enjoy the legal showing of Diagnosis Murder on BBC 1. That feeling was fleeting however! I am properly evil again. I hate you all, you halfwits!

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