Saturday, March 17, 2007

An Uncomfortable Avenue of Thought

Today my dead mother said something which gave me cause to worry. As is her wont, she had been expounding at length upon the nature of evil and had been tutoring me in the most efficient methods of bewitching the good people of the world.

"It is quite simple to hex the Godly," she said. "With the power of evil, we can make good people believe practically anything. The mentalist Derren Brown, for example, is adept at such mesmerism, for he is one of us - a being of pure evil."

This factoid concerning Derren Brown was not the thing that gave me cause to worry. After all, why should it? A man's moral tilt does not affect his ability to entertain and Brown is a showman of no small talent. No, the thing that worried me was this:

"Did you see how easy it was for me to bewitch that ass Gland and the two policemen?" she asked. "I merely twisted reality so that any good person in the immediate vicinity of our victim would perceive the victim as a pillow effigy. Of course, you and I saw the truth of the matter for we are each of us completely evil and have no trace of good in us, but the good doctor and the two lawmen saw a pillow effigy. Now Horton, fetch a blade at once! That Pole won't skin himself you know!"

You understand why this gave me cause to worry? I too had seen the Pole transformed into a pillow effigy when my mother cast her spell. Does this fact mean that I still have good in me? I hope not!

I have managed to put off skinning the Pole for the time being whilst I consider my options. I have fobbed my mother off by saying that because I am so evil, I wish to savour the Pole's terror for as long as possible before skinning him and she seems satisfied with this for the moment.

I do hope I am still evil otherwise I won't enjoy skinning the Polish man at all.


dr anthony gland said...

You see, this new revelation is Horton's subconscious providing him with an 'escape route' from the dark delusion.

As I say, he is naturally a nice chap and would not harm anyone - I'm happy to see that his subconscious is providing him with a happy ending to this episode.

Professor Jessica Flitey said...

Mr Carew,

I suggest you eat heartily from the crystals of evil in the fridge - perhaps you simply didn't eat enough of them last time and the effect has worn off.

Blessings be,

Professor Jessica Flitey

dr anthony gland said...

OUTRAGEOUS! This advice will cause Horton to regress! I had made good progress and you have potentially ruined everything.

You have no shame at all woman! Horton, don't heed this woman's advice. It is plain that she wants to cause you harm.

Remember when I visited you Horton? You showed me the 'crystals of evil' in your fridge? Remember when I showed you that they were actually just tomatoes? Don't allow yourself to slip back into the delusion Horton. You risk harming yourself!

Professor Flitey, I will be reporting this outrageous behaviour to your superiors. This is academic fixing! You are twisting events to suit your study of Horton when you should be taking an objective, uninvolved view.

Madam, you are a hack.


Thank you for the advice Professor Flitey. That course of action would seem to be the logical one.

dr anthony gland said...

Horton, do not do this thing!

Wilf said...

Perhaos you should try making the Pole a frenchman, skinning might be easier then.


Young Wilf, my evil powers are not yet such that I can alter people's nationalities at will.

However, I have just probed the Pole on your behalf and discovered that the grandfather on his mother's side was French. Thus our man is a French Polisher. He might be able to disguise scratches on coffee tables, but such skills will not help him come skinning time.