Monday, February 06, 2006

The Grimmest of Updates

I must be quick, for I am in mortal danger. I snatch this brief interval to relate my latest woes. As Uncle Ben performed the necessary incantations to exorcise the flask, he was suddenly struck down as if suffering an apoplexy of some kind. At once I abandoned my electronic diary and rushed to his side where I found his body vibrating at such an advanced rate that his features were but a blur, and an unidentified emulsion spat from his ears.

After muttering one enigmatic word - Labiatae! - he became encased in ice.

Panicking, I sought to melt the ice by drinking endless cups of fortified wine and breathing the alcoholic fumes directly onto the ice block, but this gambit was unsuccessful. He remains in suspended animation, and I weep to think of him. I will certainly be leaving the thermos seller neutral or negative feedback in light of this.

But I have yet to describe the worst of the events of the last days, which I will proceed to do now, but being studious of brevity my narrative must not be overly circumlocutory...

Alack! I hear... I think...I fear I must....;oy75ty#

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Dr. Anthony Gland said...

Hello! I am enjoying reading your 'blog' Horton. Keep it up! As we discussed in our last session, this process can be very therapeutic, but be careful not to immerse yourself too deeply in the fantasy. Your diary has taken a dark turn lately. I'd like to see a few more positive posts! Smile! :-)

dr. anthony gland said...

Horton, I do not know how you just did that to my computer, but I am not amused. You gave me a real fright. We must talk about this.

dr. anthony gland said...

Now really Horton, this is too much! You know I have a weak heart. Remove that awful face from my computer screen at once - it is hateful to me!

dr. anthony gland said...


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Professor Jessica Flitey said...

I take issue with Dr. Gland's opinion that Mr. Carew's diary is mere fabrication. I am a Professor of Parapsychology and Paranormal Investigation at the University of Duncairn, and Mr. Carew's case is very well known to our department. Many unexplained and horrible phenomena have gravitated towards him over the years, and his case makes for fascinating reading.

For more information, look out for my forthcoming monograph On Thumbs and Manatees: The Curious Case of Horton Carew (2007).

dr. anthony gland said...

Professor Flitey: with all due respect, you are Professor of Horsefeathers and Fairydust! Labiatae!

Horton is a disturbed fantasist in need of help and compassion. He should not be exploited as a funding opportunity and a book deal! He can be quite persuasive in maintaining a charade Labiatae! and untrained people are often taken in!

Last night's events were a prime example. I commented on this 'blog' and my computer was at once attacked by some malacious virus, no doubt sent by Horton. Labiatae!

The face of the 'Uncle Joe' figure, which holds so much terror for Horton, appeared on my screen, and now every Labitae! message or document I prepare is peppered randomly with the nonsensical word "Labiatae". This is clearly a very sophisticated virus because this word appears no matter what computer I use - my laptop, my office computer, even the library's public computers.

Professor Flitey, I beseech you to give up your intent to publish details of Horton's case, as this is merely the attention he craves!

Thank you.

professor jessica flitey said...

Dr. Gland, there is no call to stoop to personal remarks. Your 'virus' may well be a dark spirit or malignant incorporeal entity that has attached itself to your chi or lifeforce.

These can be persistent - to rid yourself of this, I suggest you consult my book The Curative Gris-Gris: Counteractant Charms from the North-East of Scotland (Clyde University Press: Turnpike & Brockle, 1978) - £22.99.

Blessings Be.

dr. anthony gland said...

Professor Flitey, I apologise for my personal attack on you Labiatae! but you must surely admit that there is no shread of physical proof in favour of supernatural activity?!

Surely you do not believe in fairies and Labiatae! spooks?

professor jessica flitey said...

Dr. Gland, in response to your ill-judged question, I say that, yes, there is plenty of proof regarding supernatural activity in the world and the literature is there to support it.

It wasn't that long ago that no one believed in mermaids, and now they teach mathematics in High Schools up and down the country.

Open your mind, Dr. Gland, and let enlightenment in.

Blessing Be.

dr. Anthony gland said...

Labiatae! Professor Flitey, you know well enough that your so-called 'mermaids' are not the same mermaids of myth and legend.

Rather, they were a previously undiscovered species of aquatic human beings that happened to share the same physical appearance as a particular human myth - the 'mermaid'. To draw on this Labiatae! example as proof of supernatural activity is ridiculous!

professor jessica flitey said...

Dr. Gland, I see you are too close-minded to benefit from anything I say, and I think it best if we do not continue this conversation. Suffice to say that Horton's experiences are entirely genuine, and the events descibed on his blog are accurate.

Dr. Gland, I can point you to several academic works that examine supernatural and mystical forces and conclude that these are genuine factors in our world, but it is up to you whether or not you deign to consult these and embrace the truth.

See for instance:

Dirkwood Farruther, Nocuous Mental Effects of Chthonic Entities (Miskatonic University Press, 1965)

Abigail Hookman, Murder Spates: A Supernatural Basis for the Slasher Meme? (Pendleton University Press, 1998)

Margaret Walsh, A Study of Subterrestrial Lusus Naturae (Sunnydale University Press, 1995)

Stanley Poltroon, Monsters in Our Midst: Evil as Tangible Force (Edgestow University Press, 1980)

...and many others.

Blessings Be.