Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Uncle Ben Departs

My dear and patient readers, I am at last in a position to relate to you the events of the preceeding days, but be wary - these are not for the faint of heart. Again I must be quick for I remain in terrible danger.

I gather from earlier entries in this electronic diary that you all believed I was fine, but I must tell you now that you were victims of trickery. Those entries proclaiming me in good health are entirely bogus, inserted by my tormentor to dupe you. This tormentor is none other than Uncle Joe, who has returned to bedevil me anew.

Uncle Ben, I fear, is dead. When I could attend to him, I propped the ice-block against the kitchen radiator so that the heat generated might gently free him from his chilly prison. Regrettably, the nature of the jinx meant that although the ice did rapidly melt, Uncle Ben melted along with it, as though he were a giant scented candle. I specify 'scented' for as his body deliquesced, the smell of hot cross buns mysteriously permeated the air.

As I lay howling in anguish, the grinning figure of Uncle Joe stepped into the kitchen, lewdly sucking a mint. I tried to flee, but he somehow conjured a great many postage stamps from his eyes, which flew across the room and stuck me fast to the linoleum. As I lay fixed to the floor, I watched in horror as he produced a bucket of acorns and a pair of oven gloves. I cannot bring myself to describe what happened next.

As I passed out of consciousness, for some reason the name of the Ebay seller who sold me the Gremlins 2 thermos popped unbidden into my mind...JJFlitey.

...help, he returns! I must go again - more later! I hope my tormentor does not possess the moxie to delete this message...

2 comments:

Dr. Anthony Gland said...

"JJFlitey"? Professor Flitey, what is your Labiatae! middle name?! Tell me you did not send this 'cursed thermos' prop to Horton to further fuel his fantasy?

This is truly despicable! Labiatae!

Professor jessica flitey said...

Dr. Gland, my middle names are Marcellus and Wallace, and I will thank you to retract your foolish accusation.

Blessings Be.